we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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