connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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