i'm signing you up for texting rehab
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
