I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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