It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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