Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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