Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize