i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
