good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Mom said you looked used
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
