i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Church boner. Awkwardddd
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
