I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
