Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize