Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
