I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
