What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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