I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
