So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
