I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Everyone says I win the strip club
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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