I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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