I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
