if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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