Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
