Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
