I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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