dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
