We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
