Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
