in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
