I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize