If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
