she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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