I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
