I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
