He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
