I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
