Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
