Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
