True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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