I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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