I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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