I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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