My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
