i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
i came on her dog
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
