Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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