I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
