chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
