so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
BRING THE BAGELS
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
