I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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