I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
