I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
