He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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