I want to make a zoo with you.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
