The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
