Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
