she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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