All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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