I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
