There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
this boner is exhausting
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
