Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
