bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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