considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
