The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Who died my cat blue again?
Drunk is a universal language darling
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
