There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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