Please, let me fuck your mom
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
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