so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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