oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You have to summon your inner elephant
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
