What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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