Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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