Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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