when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
