People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
My vagina just clenched in fear
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
